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Friday, December 9, 2011

ASSEMBLY HOLIDAY BAKE OFF



The last week of assembly meetings should leave observers feeling like they are covered with flour at a baking party hosted by raccoons.  Following is the recipe of the tasty holiday layer cake your borough assembly baker men stuffed in the oven and it’s guaranteed to hit your digestive track with a splat.  So slip on your best baking apron and one of those silly hats if you have one and try to follow along. 

Gravel Mining Layer yumm.. crunchy

This should always be the bottom layer with a pan built for plenty of potentially toxic runoff.  Be sure you throw in all the ingredients from other recipes for this layer that you have been saving in the drawer.  And don’t forget to get one from the Alaska Rock Association that specializes in making the most return for their piggy banks with the least restrictions.   You can delete any prior suggestions for “natural substances that have water and nutrient holding capacity etc” or other silly ingredients like bonding.  Let’s hope this layer doesn’t make you visit an emergency room after eating.  To insure a better frosting for this layer let your imagination run wild by substituting unidentified “organic materials” that might be wood chips or even a dash of sewage to finish it off.  Fairy dust is just too expensive and hard to come by but a fine substitution if it’s organic. At this point, you might want to purchase a herd of camels that can carry gallons of clean water for your personal water use. This layer can have as much as 5 years to sit on the counter before you decide to pop in the oven. Three of your bakers Woods, Keogh and Halter attempted to postpone baking this possible lethal layer but the other bakers in the room are giddy to get it in the oven.  Don’t plan on serving this layer to assembly baker man Keogh.  He doesn’t have the stomach for this but bakers Arvin and Colligan would like you to make a layer big enough for seconds please.  This gravel mining layer seemingly ready to pop in the oven Tuesday was unexpectedly delayed Wednesday when assembly baker man Woods donned his baking mitts and pulled this layer off to the side and will recheck  all the ingredients at the December 20th meeting.

Community Council Layer yumm.. not so tasty

You can expect plenty of negative input on this layer with the current recipe suggested by the lead “ceremonial” mayor baker.  Expect to hear suggestions that “no notice has been given” while you are preparing this layer and that additionally this recipe is “in search of a problem that doesn’t exist”.   Your assembly baker men will become agitated and although their ceremonial lead baker mayor suggests that there is a “need to minimize or maximize the influence of the people in this community that pay our bills” this layer will be set for re-mixing and baking April 3rd.  Part of the recipe that won’t be considered however, is the portion the ceremonial baker mayor suggested for pro and con signup sheets at assembly meetings.  All bakers voted to throw that ingredient in the dumpster.  Let’s hope it doesn’t get rechecked, remixed and added in again.  


Texting Layer yumm.. the mushy texture

After a poll in the local newspaper the “Frontiersman” revealed that folks in the valley weren’t interested in any treats that were baked up by just a couple of assembly baker men.  It seems sending messages back and forth during meetings is not a good recipe.   Baker Keogh had presented a delectable recipe at a previous assembly meeting but the other bakers said NO.   Magically a similar version was now on the counter and ready to be popped into the oven after a stir by assembly baker man Colligan.  This layer is done for now but needs work.  More general in nature this recipe refers to the limits of the open meetings act that all assembly bakers are to conduct themselves under.  Time will tell if this somewhat bland recipe that was accepted will be enough to make sure that secret ingredients aren’t added by assembly bakers. 

Five Year Timber Harvest Layer yumm.. the smell of cut wood

After a four year moratorium on this layer there is hope the proper recipe has been found through a stellar new recipe contained in the borough Forest Management Plan adopted in 2010.  Prior recipes for this layer were a disaster and the cost to your borough was millions. Baker Arvin employed then by one of the companies that sued during previous recipes of this layer is anxious to get something in the oven once again and let the market decide how big the layer should be. Baker Halter was successful in preserving some ingredients to add to a future wood-fired boiler in Su Valley High.  The layer is now ready for its bake off.


Subdivision Rewrite Layer yumm..  the if you build it will they eat it ?

Baker Colver has been hysterically working on this layer of the assembly cake since he rolled it out last summer in the heat of a busy kitchen.  Some “wanna be bakers” presently employed as surveyors or developers are anxious that the finished cake include their ingredients to flood the market with cheap lots and less than a few rules for development and have been standing by for months ready to lend a hand with the finish of this layer.  The stirring of remote subdivisions that will be opened up are sitting at the top of the bowl now waiting for the dough hook.  How to mix up the rules for these developments without access, how that might impact existing RSA’s and who will pay for it once it’s baked is stuck in a goopy glob of taxpayer molasses .  More work will continue on this layer at a special meeting December 20th at 3:30pm prior to the regular assembly bakers meeting.


There you have it.  This week’s holiday assembly layer cake prepared by the assembly bakers you elected.  Citizen Lobbyist can only report about the preparation.  You the voter have to decide how it digests and if the assembly baker sitting at the table is really delivering the product that doesn’t leave a foul taste in your mouth or praying for someone to perform the Heimlich method. 



3 comments:

  1. Great information, thanks...............
    (kinda' hard to concentrate on the meat of the issue among all the campy, entertaining verbiage, though.......)

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  2. maybe you should focus on children's books. you writings are childish.

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  3. I like children's books. They have some great ones at Fireside Books in Palmer. I like watching children play as well although adults at the assembly table would certainly improve the content to write about.

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